Persevere

It's 2:20AM right now, I should be sleeping, but I can't seem to force myself to sleep early anymore. I gotta break that habit soon, sleeping late is unhealthy :/ I had my first lazy day today, er yesterday, and it was great. Nothing beats staying home all day in your PJ's while alternating between the TV and the computer, with food thrown in between. Haha, but real talk, it was good. Aside from all those robotic activities, I actually took the day to do some personal reflection. I kinda got into the whole reflection mood after calling my dad. When he answered the phone, he sounded really tired, and it got me thinking a lot.

This was definitely not the year for my dad. He went through some pretty tough shit. Losing his job all of a sudden, going through months of unemployment, the death of my grandma, the difficult hunt for a job, and the dissatisfaction with his current occupation as a security guard. He works some shitty ass shifts, sometimes working from 10PM-8AM in the morning, and gets paid considerably less than his previous job. I see it in his tired eyes, how much this complete 180 in his life has taken a toll on his overall happiness.

Whenever I talk to him, he always mentions how he feels like giving up, and brings up the idea of moving back to the Philippines. I respond with a simple, "And how is that supposed to make everything better?" And then I think about the possibility of that happening, and how it would affect me. I mean c'mon, I'm already estranged from my mom, and the thought of having my dad across the Pacific would only make me feel like an orphan. Then my dad tells me that the only thing that keeps him going is me. "You are my only hope."

Those five words constantly resound in my head. My dad's dream is for me to graduate college. I feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to attend an institution like UCLA. And trust me dad, I will graduate. That whole Pilipino value of utang na loob, or debt of gratitude, definitely is a part of being Pilipino. My dad's been through so much fucking shit, and I can't see any way of repaying him other than receiving those degrees from UCLA and getting a job that will allow me to financially support myself.

Just wait dad. When I walk down that aisle on the day of my college commencement to receive those bachelor degrees, just know that the hard work put into obtaining them was for you, and for me. And when I make my speech for P-Grad, I'll promise to say, "Dad, this is for you."

But until that day, hang in there. Persevere, and keep going. That's what you taught me.

I love you Dad.

--JC